“The Talk”
The other night Little One came into my office and, spurred by an article in her Cosmo Girl magazine, announced that we needed to have “The Talk”.
Now, since she and First Born were little, we have had numerous versions of “The Talk”, ranging from #1: “God made your body very special” to #9: “If anyone ever touches you in a way that feels wrong, please tell me immediately”, to #15: “Sex is a beautiful gift within marriage.” I feel that I’ve been pretty open and calm about discussing important things. So I wasn’t quite sure what we had left to discuss.
Whooo. Here are the 3 questions she asked:
1. How old were you when you first had sex?
2. What age do you think is right to have sex?
3. What do you think about age differences in dating?
First of all I’d have to say that, while I hate on general principles all fashion magazines, I was very impressed that the article urged girls to talk with their mothers about this. Yay! So then I had to answer the questions.
When did I first have sex? When I was fourteen, against my will. It was a bad experience, along with several others that came after it. Later on, though, I had good experiences with people who truly cared about me.
What age do you think is right to have sex? I had such a long answer for this that I wanted to sit her down and make her read my post on virginity and sexuality. But parenting via the Internet doesn’t work very well. She already knows that I believe we should save sex until marriage. So I said that I don’t think there is a specific right age, but rather specific right conditions. I said that if you have sex with a guy who has not made a commitment to stay with you for the rest of your life, you run a high risk of getting hurt. Young men, even the good ones, are more interested in the physical act of sex than women, who tend to become emotionally involved through the act of sex. Young men are less likely to want to help us enjoy sex, which is every woman’s right while making love. And as we get older, men and women both become more mature and wise in handling relationships so that we treat each other better and are more willing to try to please each other in bed.
Frank enough?
What do I think about dating age differences? First I said that at some point, there’s an “eeewww” factor. She asked me what I meant, and I said a 30 year old dating a sixteen year old. She agreed with the “eeewww”. She was specifically talking about her friend who’s dating a guy that’s 21. I told her that there should be a huge maturity difference between them, and in those situations you have to be very wise and discerning about what you see. Is there a reason why the guy is dating someone much younger than him rather than someone his own age? Is it because he has the maturity of a 17 year old or is the girl exceptionally mature? I pointed out that a 21 year old has much more freedom and can go to many places that someone who’s 17 can’t access, and this can strain a relationship. I don’t know the people so I’m not saying it’s bad, just a situation to approach with caution. Of course, it’s not MY daughter who’s dating a 21 year old.
I feel so thankful that I’m a work at home mom these days. When LO feels like talking, she wants to talk now, and when she’s done, she’s done. If I was gone the opportunity might have been missed.
Of course I know that she will pick and choose what she wants to listen to and make her own decisions. I am just hoping I am providing a loud enough voice to conteract all the other voices in her life telling her to do whatever she feels like, because as long as she isn’t hurting anyone she can do what she wants. I want better for my daughter than that.
Published by angelawd on October 23rd, 2007 tagged Mom of Teens
October 23rd, 2007 at 12:54 pm
I am so worried about having those talks with my boy when he gets older! Sounds like you did a good job, though.
October 23rd, 2007 at 12:56 pm
Hi angelawd,
Wow what awesome advice for your daughter and for all mom’s of girls. Sounds like you had to learn the lessons the hard way. That sounds like it was very painful for you. As far as the right age to have sex, I agree with you. I don’t know how you can discern if a guy is ready to stay with you for the rest of your life? Ugh!! And I love your “eeewww” factor. LOL
Keep up the good parenting with LO. I will struggle to do the same with my 17 year old!
October 23rd, 2007 at 1:20 pm
[…] angelawd wrote an interesting post today on â??The Talkâ??Here’s a quick excerpt The other night Little One came into my office and, spurred by an article in her Cosmo Girl … to have sex? 3. What do you think about age differences in dating? First of all I’d have to say … to sit her down and make her read my post on virginity and sexuality. But parenting via the Internet […]
October 23rd, 2007 at 1:57 pm
Markie, that’s a great question about “how do you discern if the guy is ready to stay with you”. Being way past my teens I think I can discern that better than say 20 years ago. But since I’m happily married it’s also easy to forget how it felt to kiss a bunch of frogs before I found a prince.
And I hate simplistic answers, darn it. I guess the longer you’re with someone, the more you know that you could stay together forever (or not). And obviously, once you’re actually married there’s a greater chance that you’ll stay together than if you’re just living together.
I’ll have to keep thinking about this.
October 25th, 2007 at 7:50 am
I have 2 pre-teens so I know exactly what you are talking about. Here is an eBook with some ideas to keep them occupied!
November 2nd, 2007 at 7:55 pm
It’s great that she talked to you. It’s so hard to make your points about saving sex for marriage when the kids see everyone doing it everywhere with anyone. My kids are so sick of me pointing out how we don’t live like that when we see something in the media. “Yeah - we know, Mom.” I say just keep on talking and being present for them.
November 23rd, 2007 at 7:34 am
What an amazing job you did with yor talk, Angelaw! I would like to add one more that I gleaned in my years working with divorced people. It appears to me that we are made in such a way that we bond somewhat with a person that we have sex with (unless we do it so often with so many people that we have numbed this sense!) This is probably a good thing when it is in a marriage setting or at least in a committed relationship. However, if it comes too soon in a relationship, before your brain has had a chance to evaluate this person, you become bonded to a person who may not be good for you. This often leads to a very unhealthy marriage. Hence, in years to come, a divorce. I listened to this story over and over again, when I worked in divorce ministry. It seemed amazing to me!
February 11th, 2008 at 10:18 am
This is a great post, Angela! It’s very wise advice you gave your daughter, and I think it’s important to tell them when we made mistakes or had a bad experience and why. That way, they *may* not have to go through it.
February 25th, 2008 at 4:50 am
[…] Williams Duea presents “The Talk” posted at angelawd, saying, “When you’re talking about dating and sexuality, be […]