My little emo girl
Sometimes I get the chance to see beyond my teen’s argumentative, eye-rolling attitude exterior and into the heart of my lonely emo teen. I saw this when she talked to me (again) about her plans to move out as soon as she finishes high school. “I think I’ll just move into an apartment by myself. It’s not like I have anyone to move in with.”
This year has been a particularly hard one for friendships, and at this point she has rid herself of all of her girlfriends. My heart aches for her even as I rejoice that she’s no longer hanging around a group of kids that fed her alienation and depression. I remember what it’s like to eat lunch all by yourself in a crowded cafeteria where everyone’s noticing and whispering. I remember how it feels to spend Friday night watching TV because no one wants to go out with you. I will never forget how lonely it is to be all alone and wondering if anyone other than Mom is ever going to love you.
Though there is nothing I can do to make it all better, the things I do know will make it less hurtful are completely rejected by her. I know that if she was exercising regularly she would get a nice dose of endorphins flowing and would also start to feel better about her body. If she would stop listening to emo bands and reading depressing fiction that brings her down, she could instead fill her mind with thoughts and images that would cheer her. If she would pick up some hobbies or activities she’d have accomplishments to buoy her up. But she is completely possessed by her emotions and doesn’t really believe she’s capable of change.
My heart aches when I see all of that. I want to cushion her from the world but there isn’t any way to do that. My love is not enough to make her better, and I’m sad at how little control I really have. Though I have seen improvements in her mood and attitude in the last year or so, I still see the pain she is in sometimes and I wish I could do more. So I keep praying and loving her and hoping she’ll make her life better.
Published by angelawd on November 14th, 2007 tagged Mom of Teens
November 14th, 2007 at 10:10 am
This breaks my heart. And you are right, they don’t want to hear what works. I have a sister who is 17 years younger than I am, and when she was going through all of this, I wanted SO BADLY to help her, to share with her what I’d learned. And she didn’t want to hear it. She didn’t think I could understand, because I’m old, and what do I know. They never think we could have been there, that we could understand. It’s like watching a mouse run through a maze and slam into walls and you try to help by pointing the way but they totally disregard you because you aren’t where they are. Hugs for you and your daughter.
November 14th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
Thanks, Sue. Your “mouse in a maze” image is so true. I hate seeing her suffer, and there’s so little I can do.
November 14th, 2007 at 3:45 pm
That is so sad. I know that the teenage years are so hard, but it’s even harder without friends. My teenage daughter has gone through some very rough times. My heart breaks for her. Just when it seems like things are turning around, something else hurts her. Sue, thanks for your mental picture of a maze. That’s a great way to look at it. I’ll be praying for you guys.
November 14th, 2007 at 4:13 pm
It’s so sad to see our kids making mistakes and hurting and know they won’t listen to any advice. They believe that no one can understand them. All you can do is show her your love, and it sounds like you’re doing a great job with that.
November 14th, 2007 at 4:17 pm
I remember how painful my teen years were. I sat alone sometimes at lunch and spent hours listening to sad music. After high school things seemed to gradually get better - and I learned how to keep myself from spiraling down into depression. She will find her own way, and I’m praying that you will find ways to give her hope.
November 14th, 2007 at 9:26 pm
My heart ached as I read about your daughter. My eldest had a very similar experience and it broke my heart. I wouldn’t be a teen again if you paid me. I am sure that your just “being there” are very important even if she doesn’t show it right now. Thank God for moms.
November 15th, 2007 at 2:14 pm
My friend said it best when she commented (about her oldest daughter), “Your children just don’t want to hear what you’ve learned.” It is very painful to watch. And frustrating - what is the use of being a good parent if you can’t help them through any of this? What’s the use of everything I’ve learned if it doesn’t do my daughter any good?
November 15th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
I bet it does mean a lot to her that you do love her. I remember a lot of outer eye-rolling and rejction towards my mom when I was a teenager–when inside I actually was listening to her.
November 15th, 2007 at 3:21 pm
Oh Karen, I so agree with your frustration. That’s the hardest thing. When my kids were little I remembered how hard my teen years were and my kids were going to live joyous, free lives. Then they became teens and I had to face how little control I have.
Angela, thanks for the encouragement. I hope so much that you’re right!
November 23rd, 2007 at 7:11 am
With all this illness, is it possible that she may not make it through another year at this school? I know this is hard to face. A disruption of our plans for our child is always hard to face. I had to face that. But I am wondering if a change might be good for her to finish her final year in another setting? Is there an alternative school in your area?