Thankful for Thanksgiving
Wednesday afternoon four unhappy people joined the millions of drivers swarming away from Chicago. A 4.5 hour drive to Ann Arbor stretched out to seven hours because of the traffic jam, and it was seven quiet, troubled hours.
First Born uninvited her roomie, Adopted Daughter, because of a series of disagreements and FB’s concern about her alcohol abuse. While we traveled to Michigan, she worried that AD and her friends were going to trash her apartment out of spite. She also worried about breaking her lease and finding another roomie. Most heartbreaking of all, her friends turned on her. I’ll never forget how she clutched her temples and sobbed when she told me that they said she was self-centered. I would do almost anything to erase that pain from her heart and that image from my mind.
Little One was sick not only with the ongoing stomach problems but also with a cold and nasty cough. Earlier in the week she had a huge blow-up because of her resentment of Big Guy. She still doesn’t want to accept his place in the family and says “He’s nothing to me - he’s just the guy you married.” LO thinks I always take his side, and BG thinks I’m too lenient with her.
BG is heartbroken at LO’s rejection. He tries so hard to be a good stepfather and is a better father than her own. Not that it was too hard to beat Ray in the fatherhood arena. LO’s attitude towards him is tearing him apart and he’s responding with anger. Add to that emotion the pain and stress of recent church events and we have one distressed man.
Me? I was fretting over my family. Dodging the sniping between LO and BG. Wondering how I can possibly be enough to soothe them all. To ease their hurts. Like I said, it was a silent journey and I had a lot of time to think. And pray.
For all twelve years of my single parenting life, I held onto the hope that someday I would have the family of my dreams. A warm, loving family with a mom and dad and kids. I always thought I would have more children and that we’d have a big, joyful family life together. All those years of single parenthood, I spent many holidays alone. The joint custody agreement had us swapping off the holidays, and Ray returning the girls to me the next day. On the holidays where he had custody, there simply wasn’t time for me to travel to my family and then back again. It wasn’t much fun to be alone, but someday in the bright shining future it would all be changed for the better.
But in the car, I realized that this particular dream is not going to come true. I am a divorced woman and my children will always be part of a broken home, regardless of my wonderful husband and all his efforts at building a family. However, this Thanksgiving we were all together, and were able to travel together to be with my family. Though it was quiet in the car, we were still there together.
And at my sister’s house we enjoyed one of the nicest holidays in a long time. My little sister and her family were the only ones who couldn’t make it. We stocked up on love and laugher, talks and hugs, games and food. We talked about times past and the events and people who have made their marks on our lives over the years. We taught Big Guy the card game my family always plays - Nerts - and this was probably the biggest indication yet that he has become accepted and loved by my loved ones. He even got to carve the turkey.
Coming home, our problems were not magically solved. Our stresses were waiting at the front door to leap upon us. But for me, it gave me a little peace to absorb my family’s love and be reminded that none of my problems and pains are permanent. All this will pass, and our lives will take on new shapes. This gives me peace in the middle of worry.
Published by angelawd on November 25th, 2007 tagged Joyful living
November 25th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
Sounds like a rough car ride. My heart breaks for you and your daughters! I can sympathize with your First Born, having had a bad roommate in college. It can be so hard when your friends turn on you. And poor Little One being sick, as well as sick and tired of your husband. My heart breaks for you Angelawd when you talk about your dream of a family and that it can’t come true. At least Thanksgiving with your family sounded nice. I had a wonderful family get-together on Thanksgiving also. Hang in there Angelawd.
November 25th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
Thanks, Josie. It’s hard giving up a dream. But I just have no idea what God has in store for me, so I’m just going to be thankful for what I do have and wait to see what happens next. I appreciate your thoughts!
November 25th, 2007 at 2:42 pm
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November 25th, 2007 at 5:35 pm
Oh so it’s NOT just us–it might sound off (yeah, it is), but I’m living the misery loves company dream right about now! I am very sorry to read about your daughters, both of them. These are times as a parent of teens I have NOTHING. But prayer. So prayers go up here in Lee’s Summit for your family–I could sure use the return favor!
I’ve linked up to you now!
November 25th, 2007 at 7:00 pm
Oh, that is so hard.
We all did that as kids - I can’t even count the number of times I told my mother (the same woman who gave birth to me and wiped my nose and held my hand…) that I hated her. That I thought that I had been mixed up with some other woman’s baby in the hospital. That other lady, who I was certain, loved me in a way that my mom just didn’t understand. I felt safe to begin the process of separating myself from my family. It’s like I had to be mad at my mom to leave my mom and go to college. It was also a way of testing her - how far can I push you before you go away…
First, to be burdened with the politics of church. That really is the only job that I know of where a whole body of people get to decide what you “should” or “should not” be doing, and then - somehow - they think they have the right to tell you just what they think you do wrong. It’s a strange, out of the ordinary situation. I hope that somehow, through all of this, you and BG can remember that the happy voices are often the hardest ones to hear. But they are there. Sometimes, people forget that the leaders in our places of worship and prayer are human. They have feelings that can be hurt. Of course we all want sympathetic leaders when it serves us, but we forget that those same leaders are only human. Sometimes we can even be unintentionally cruel when we feel a need to criticize what is or is not happening.
Second, LO didn’t get to choose BG. But that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t feel enough love and safety to criticize. It is sort of a sideways means of saying, ‘you are my family and I don’t like you.’
This is a long comment - sorry!
Finally, the roommate thing - GACK! That pain is so sharp. I hope that your daughter isn’t so hurt that she closes off that special innocent side of herself. It’s almost like BG and your daughter are going through the same kind of critical pain, just from a different source.
You and your family will be in our prayers. I hope that you will find peace in the new day to come.
(I will answer you request for 8 odd things, I just haven’t had the time yet.
November 25th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
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November 25th, 2007 at 9:19 pm
I’m glad it brought you some peace. I feel for you all, and especially for you…
November 26th, 2007 at 10:00 am
Hi Stacey, glad you’re here! Yes, you are not alone. Parenting teens is so hard.
Ahna, thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I’ve shared it with Big Guy because I think the perspective really helps. You are so right in your assessment of church politics. Thanks for your prayers.
Sue, thanks for your support. A little peace is a good thing!
November 26th, 2007 at 10:46 am
Ouch. It must be hard for Little One, because to accept this real nice step-dad probably feels like she’s betraying her real father. Also, he takes you away from her somewhat. And hard for Big Guy, too, who is doing all he can. But he is the grown-up and needs to get a handle on the anger. She will eventually get to like him, but not right now.
And, believe me, if you were living in a marvelously intact family, she might still be having an attitude. I swear, my teenage daughter probably thinks it would be fun if her father and I were divorced, and she got to visit back and forth. These teens are just determined to be miserable, and they always blame whatever their current situation is.
I can imagine your disappointment. Just focus on your marriage, and it will all come out right. And find something to laugh at, that always helps.
Ahna, I hope you’ve apologized to your mother. My daughter acts that way to me, and whether or not she “has” to do that, it hurts like heck. As in, it feels as if she’s ripping out my soul. And I am not an overly sensitive person, either.
December 5th, 2007 at 12:43 pm
My Twig, the jailbird food critic, WANTED Hubby and me to get a divorce! He was jealous of all his friends who had two houses, with two holiday celebrations, and two birthday celebrations… and on and on… Karen is absolutely right. Intact families produce maladjusted, discontent, bad-attitude, big mouthed teens just as easily as do step families. The trick is to find a balance no matter where you, as the mother, happen to be standing.
I haven’t read your entire story here becuse, call me stupid, I just today realized that you actually have two blogs… I kept going to the other one and finding all kinds of great stuff, but naught that was mommy-ish. DUH! Anyway… so forgive me if you’ve already thought of this:
Have you tried having BG go on a “date” with LO? I have several friends whose families have been changed dramatically just by the simple act of the stepdad sometimes making the stepchild the 100% focus for at least 1 day or night a month (or more often if it works out). Rules are NO arguements. No preaching. No teaching. BG has to do something LO would enjoy even if it kills him… even if it means he has to let her put makeup on him and bows in his hair. He has to laugh and tell her she’s nuts and that he loves that about her!
Also, set up situations where he can take up for her with you and let him win some small battles for her. The next time you don’t want her to do something, allow him to talk you into it (within reason, of course!) in front of her. I repeat.. IN FRONT OF HER! Make him the hero and she just may start coming around.
Ok - Stepping off the Damama soapbox now. Many hugs!!