I’m a gym dork
Before I share this story with you, it’s important to me that you understand that our gym is a huge labyrinth and I don’t go there as often as I should. Just in case, you know, you were thinking that maybe I should have a GPS device implanted in my head.
I’m not one of those poised, gently glistening women who look like they were born in a Step class. In fact, I’ve always felt enormously uncomfortable with physical activity in general and any sports that involve coordination or avoiding pain to myself or others. My school gym days were a time of tears and scarring that I’m still not really able to talk about. This means that I am a total dork in the gym.
My recent trip to the gym has left psychological scars - on me and the other patrons. I was doing well on the treadmill until I started feeling a little dizzy, so I moved onto a stationary bike that also has these arm-waving pole things. Since I was light-headed, I went pretty slowly until I realized I was on the lowest level of the treadmill/bike section, and all those marathon-runners above me could see my slow movement and pathetic work settings. I mean, at least when I was on the treadmill I could pretend that yeah, I was walking slowly, but hey, the incline was 150%! I was practically walking backwards, people! See the sweat?
The peer pressure got to me so I went into the locker room, changed into my bathing suit, and headed for the jacuzzi. After all, my overstressed muscles were bound to need a good soaking. I walked between the doors to the sauna and steam room and then walked straight into a closet. It looked just like the door to the pool except it doesn’t say “pool” in big black letters across the entire door. Which became evident to me as I walked around the sauna area and past a bay of lockers to find the right door.
In the sauna, there was some sort of volcanic bubble current that kept pushing me away from my husband and towards the legs of a couple of nice guys sitting next to us. I tried to hold on but there’s really nothing to grasp on a wet ceramic tile bench. The nice guys tried to pretend I wasn’t banging into their knees, but they finally gave up and went to another pool.
When it was time to go in and shower off, I found that I had picked up a towel too small to wrap around myself. I angrily told myself I am a beautiful woman who does not in fact have to cover up her body while walking through the pool area, and held my head high as I went to the ladies’ locker room.
Finding the showers, though, was a challenge. I could hear them running but I kept wandering into bays of lockers and smiling at the amused gym ladies. One time, I ended up back in the sauna/closet dead end.
When I finally got to the shower and peeled off my suit, I realized that I hadn’t picked up a bigger towel. That meant that I could slide my wet (and now cold) suit back on and go look for a towel, or just use the insufficient, wet (and now cold) towel I already had. I decided to wrap the towel around as much of me as would fit and let my hair drip down onto my un-drying body.
However, this is the point at which I really needed a GPS. I couldn’t find my locker. I wandered around for a while until I saw a path that I didn’t remember exploring while finding the shower. Surely this had to be my locker bay - I’d seen all the rest! So I triumphantly charged out of the dressing room and into the ladies’ weights area. All of those ladies were rather startled to see a half-naked pasty mom standing there turing red and dripping on their floor.
I didn’t even want to go back into the locker room and face the other ladies. I could have easily left all my possessions behind if I had the right sized towel around me, and it wasn’t wintertime. But all I could do is go back to my now easy-to-find locker. I turned my back to all the other ladies who were smirking and waiting for me to leave so they could laugh openly. That’s when it happened.
I slipped on my panties and then realized these were the old pair that I’d worn when painting my kelly-green bookshelf. The ones I was wearing when I accidentally sat in a tray of paint. The ones I intended to throw away.
And now all the locker ladies were staring at my bright green butt cheek.
Published by angelawd on January 8th, 2008 tagged Just Act Normal
January 8th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Oh, join the club sister! I am a total gym dork. I don’t know what goes where. I don’t know how to use any of the machines. Most of the time I don’t know why I’m there.
LOL!!!! I love your story, especially the kelly green painted panties!
January 8th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
I am a geek so I take pride in my skills of logic. My gym has a sign in the locker room that says “You MUST take a nude soapy shower before enter the pool or Jacuzzi. Offenders will have their membership revoked”. Right next that sign is another sign that says “Nudity prohibited at all times. Offenders will have their membership revoked”
WTH? I get stuck in a decision loop starting at the two signs and I can’t go anywhere!
Sad!
January 8th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Oh, since you said you like checking out other blogs, here is a gym story from me.
January 8th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
I’m rolling on my bedroom floor! And the laughter doesn’t sound so good–I’ve got a nasty chest cold and I sound like the trailer park queen after a weekend binge at the bowling alley. See what you did?!
Angela, you’re one of a kind–and if we were hanging in the same gym, I’d have laughed and pointed, no doubt, but then I’d help ya out! xo
PS–what’s up with the kelly green bookshelf? Need pictures now. The bookshelf, not the panties.
January 8th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
At least you know what to do in a sauna. I don’t, so I’ve never gone into one.
And, gym class stories? You wanna trade gym class stories? Oh, my lord, no one hated gym more than I did. 45 minutes of humiliation every single school day - yippee!
January 9th, 2008 at 1:02 am
Ha ha ha ha ha
Sorry, didn’t mean to laugh at your pain. But that was hilarious!
January 17th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Came by way of Stacey…GIRL! That was funny! I’m in my quiet office howling obnoxiously!
January 26th, 2008 at 11:22 pm
OMG, I can totally relate. I go to the gym in my bathing suit and wear it home to shower here. I hate the locker room and all that . . .
BigBob once goofed and wore a pair of bright red underwear to work. What was wrong with that, you ask? Well, he works in a bakery and wears a white uniform. Yup, white shirt and white pants. So as he bent over, the guys could see the red through his white pants. We had only been married a short time and yes, they were satiny red ones that his new wife had given him. Which led one of his best friends to yell out, “Siess, did you sunburn your a– or are you wearing red undies?” The guys gave him no end of grief and ever since he has refused to wear anything other than basic “tidy whities.”
Thanks for contributing this post to this week’s edition of the Carnival of Family Life, hosted at Confessions of a Novice. The Carnival will be live on Monday, January 28, 2008, so be sure to stop by and check out all of this week’s excellent submissions!
January 29th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
[…] This one made me smile….and made me glad it wasn’t me.
And this is why I just do my step at home. […]
April 19th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Hubby and I were just having an arg… ummm.. a discussion about the merits of joining a gym. This totally supports my reasons for NOT wanting to step foot inside one! Thank you for the hilarious validation.
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