Something in Minnesota needs a resolution.
My Grandma is dying. Or maybe she’s not.
My cousin Todd, a severely PTSD’d veteran from Iraq and North Korea, called me from Minnesota and my sisters yesterday to tell us that my Grandma was scheduled to have surgery for a pacemaker this week, but has declined rapidly and is unresponsive and may not survive the operation. My Mom talked to her brother, a severely THC-impaired resident of Florida, who claims the whole thing is baloney, he talks to his mother every evening and she’s fine. Aunt Judy, who lives near Grandma, is furious with Grandma’s housecleaning and living habits and feels she needs to be in a nursing home, or something. My Grandma is not answering her phone.
This is why I live in my very own state.
I processed this last night at midnight with the Big Guy, after he came home from another late church meeting. I really processed. Sometimes the most beautiful thing one person can do for another is to just let the story inside themselves unwind, spool out as one thought leads to another and the feelings bubble up to be finally noted, experienced, released.
My Grandma went from being an unloved daughter to marrying a man that everyone loved but who never loved her. She has been a top-class nurse and a shrewd businesswoman. No one ever outsmarted her or had the remotest possibility of opposing her will. She has inspired me as a strong woman, but her personal life has always seemed a horrible tragedy to me.
Grandma took me in when my immediate family exploded in a million directions in the course of one year. She didn’t like me but she mothered me anyway. That time was one of the most ugly, miserable times in my life and I’m sure I was an ugly, insufferable teen. I was afraid of her steely look and her unspoken attitude that no matter how I tried, I would never do. But she mothered me anyway, and I was hungry for a mom.
A few months later I was an unwed teen mom and she told me she couldn’t care for me. She moved to Minnesota and I’ve seen her a few times since. When she had her last heart surgery, I sent my kids to their father’s and spent my year’s vacation time nursing her. She still didn’t like me. I also spent that time listening to the family’s angry sledgehammer debates on the right way to view religious and political issues. There were endless discussions of the hurts and affronts that have gathered, layer by layer, year by year, into a hardened crust over those aching human beings.
The final word last night came from the Big Guy. “I’ve been telling you for a long time that we should go visit your Grandma. I’ve still never met her.”
Today I put aside my fury over that comment and really listened to him. He wants to be accepted, or at least meet, all my family. If my Grandma can hear, he wants to tell her what a success her losing-streak granddaughter has become. My own fears and conflicts have denied him what might be his only chance to meet my Grandma, and that’s not fair.
I think we’re leaving on Thursday and will stay till God tells us to go. And in my heart I feel that there’s still something for me in Minnesota that needs a resolution.
Published by angelawd on January 29th, 2008 tagged Daily Christianity
January 29th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Boy, and I thought my family was complicated! You win.
And I like your ticker. I’m going to get me one.
January 29th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
You are in my prayers. I have a similar problem with my family, so I know something of what you are going through. But I’ll email you about it instead of taking up space here. For now, know that you are doing the right thing, because in the end all that really matters is having done what allows you to sleep peacefully at night. It’s different for each of us. I’m glad you have Big Guy to help you find your way. Much love, many hugs, and mounds of prayers.
January 30th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
Wow, good luck Ang. I hope you get some resolution that your looking for. I tried to get that last year with her when she was here but I didn’t really get anywhere. It’s a sad situation but I feel kinda sorry for her. I’ll be thinking and praying for both you and her. Drive safe!
January 30th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
I like you Angela, I think you’re an example of all things I admire. Grace, imperfection, anger, love, forgiveness, and EVERYthing in between.
I hope your grandma will be okay (something tells me she probably will be, idk) and more than that that you come through your trip a little bit unscathed! If not, no worries, I have these connections. I hear they’ll be putting Prozac AND Viagra in the water. xo
January 30th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
Sorry to hear about this. Good luck on your trip and I hope everything turns out alright for you.
February 2nd, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Isn’t family… oh, there really is no word. We love them in spite of everything. I hope, in your quest for resolution and in the midst of your offer to care for a woman who apparently cared so little for you, that you will remember to care for yourself. And let Big Guy care for you, too.
Where in MN are you going? Email me if you need anything - we’re in St. Paul.
February 3rd, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Hang in there Angela. Family can be so hard. And the hardest thing can be accepting that they may never love us or value us in the way that we deserve.