You say you want a resolution…
I’m back from my trip to Minnesota. My Grandma survived the surgery and is holding on. We had a good visit with her and my heart is at peace with our relationship.
I learned that she had given up her will to live and was in a major depression, but she was thrilled to see us. We had some long talks and it seems that even though she can be harsh and judgemental, she really does love me. And she told me over and over how proud she was of me.
In this visit, I also saw the amazing power of God by seeing His absence in the lives of my relatives. I have never in my life been around a more bitter, rude, back-biting group of people. Some of their most memorable comments:
(To Grandma) “You need to wash yourself. You stink.”
(Upon seeing my tattoo of the Holy Spirit) “My God, that’s ugly.”
(To Grandma) “What do you need a kitchen table for? We’re just going to have to get rid of it when you die.”
(To Grandma) “I’m going to take those cats to the pound. You don’t deserve to have pets. You can’t take care of them. Why should I?”
On our drive up to MN, we asked God to help us somehow be a blessing to the family. I don’t know whether we did any good at all. We should have also planned for “safe topics” or at least a few conversational ground rules, like:
-
I don’t care what you think of George Dubya.
-
The name “Hillary” is not a swear word.
-
I’m not going to tell you who I’m voting for.
-
You’re just showing your ignorance when you say that teachers are lazy because they get three months off every year.
-
Universal healthcare is not the work of the devil.
-
Rush Limbaugh is not God.
-
Disagreeing with your point of view does not automatically make me a Commie anti-American jackass.
There was no arguing or reasoning with these people. Our dinners turned to lead bricks in our stomachs, and Joe and I looked desperately at the clock to see whether we could politely leave.
At nine o’clock we fled the nursing home and wandered around Sauk Rapids until we blessedly found the Benton Station bar. We had a few drinks and made friends with the band, none of whom had anything bad to say about my family. Oh Benton Station, you saved us.
After a trainwreck brunch with our cousin the next day, in which we heard all the bad character traits and foolish actions of our family members for the last thirty years, we got into the car and sighed with relief. “I thought you were being a little dramatic when you described these relatives,” Big Guy said. “But look. We can get back on I-94 right now. We can buy new luggage when we get home.”
Instead we went to buy my Grandma a little table and chairs against my aunt’s will. We spent the afternoon putting it together for her and setting it for dinner, which my aunt and uncle brought over. My aunt mentioned over and over how little room there was in the kitchen and how Grandma would be tripping all over the furniture. It became exhausting trying to turn every negative topic into something positive and lighthearted.
The time with them was not a total loss, though. We learned many things. We learned that Puerto Ricans always cheat on their spouses, and Somalis disrespect their wives in public. We learned that my mom should go live in Canada with the rest of those crazy liberals. We learned more about all the faults of each of our family members, until I finally made a karate chop in the air and said, “This conversation is over.” Then we kissed Grandma goodbye and headed to the Benton Station bar and grill. For the second night in a row.
Published by angelawd on February 4th, 2008 tagged Daily Christianity
February 4th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Wow. Your husband’s a saint.
February 4th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
I can’t imagine. I would have hurt someone. Seriously.
February 4th, 2008 at 6:17 pm
OK
I got that sick little feeling in my stomach. I think that some of those people might be my relatives. I don’t have any relatives in Sauk Rapids, but the descriptions you gave certainly could have been of my family.
I am impressed by your grace and gentleness. I am happy for you that you got to speak with your grandmother, and that piece feels more resolved. I’m also happy that Big Guy - who should indeed be given a medal, or another drink at the bar - got to see them all in action. And mostly, I am happy for you that it is over.
February 4th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Ugh. Welcome back. Being around negative people saps my will to live. Glad you made it through.
February 4th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
From one very-arms-length-away-from-toxic-family blogger to another, I salute you. And I’m very glad you bought your beautiful grandmother her table. I think it could have only been made better had you pasted a full color photo of yourself exposing your tatt and holding a picture of Dubya in your hand. (or other poses of your choice) You know, for when they take it down to get rid of. Is that wrong? xo
February 5th, 2008 at 9:50 am
Suburban, he truly is a saint. Especially since his family is so amazingly wonderful. I am sooo blessed.
Fannie, it was a huge temptation. I actually had to use my Lamaze breathing techniques to stay in control.
Ahna, how sad that there is more than one family like those particular relatives! And thank you, thank you for offering a lifeline when I was up in your area.
Sue, I am definitely feeling a loss of life force here. I am going in search of peace and beauty.
Gidge (Gidge? What?) I could have really messed with them. I didn’t think of it at the time. My mind kept screaming, RUN AWAY!!!
February 5th, 2008 at 10:16 am
Oh my. You can’t even make this stuff up. With patience like that, you should have your own radio talk show.
February 5th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Wow, you are awesome. I’ll store away your way of dealing with them for my own issues with negative and rude family members. Thank you for sharing from your heart!
February 12th, 2008 at 12:25 pm
Whoa! Where did their “Minnesota Nice” (read: passive aggressive) go? They must not be natives, or they would have made comments like this:
(Upon seeing your tattoo of the Holy Spirit) “Oh, dear, I tink you haff a smudge on yer arm der. Let me fetch some ajax fer ya to scrub it off vit”
Or
(To Grandma) “Oh dear Grandma, I am not sure a kitchen table would be a good thing fer ya because denn you’d haff ta keep it clean. I’m yust vorried about you, dontcha know! I don’t vant you to have to labor too hard ofer da table”
(To Grandma - upon seeing the cats) “Oh dear Grandma, venn did ya git a ferret - I didn’t know they let you keep such a pet in da home!”
So, you see, your relatives have a lot to learn about being Minnesota Nice.
Thanks for sharing - it’s nice to know I’m in the same boat as others!
February 12th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
OMG Julia, I’m rolling on the floor! I could absolutely hear that accent. Let’s do a re-write of the whole visit!
Nope, they’re not natives. You guessed it.
February 15th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
OH MY! Ok, from this moment forward I vow to never again - well not so much - complain about the bunch of self-righteous
convenient Christians I’m related to! Even being considered the “black sheep” of this family because I don’t agree with some of their decisions and/or views is better than having to live through that experience. I am so glad that you were able to find a way to rise above it. And I LOVE that you went ahead and did what you felt was right for your grandmother whether they liked it or not. Doing that takes a lot of guts. I know from recent experience! I’m proud of you and impressed by you and honored to call you my friend. (((hugs and more hugs!)))