Tick, tick, tick…
The news is grim. My Grandma’s vital organs are failing, and the family has decided to let her pass her last days without pain, rather than trying to repair a failing body. This means she is rarely awake and coherent, but eased along by powerful pain relievers. I realized that to drive up there now would be to just crowd up a waiting room.
I do long to be with all my family, though. What are they feeling? What is happening? Is Grandma scared? Does she know she’s dying? The minutes are ticking by audibly, and I wish with all my heart her long suffering was over.
Jenn and I talked to her this morning and she told us she loved us three times. I can’t stop crying since then, thinking of the awful wasted years when I thought she didn’t love me or approve of me. How I avoided a trip there because I was afraid of the bitter, sarcastic words of an old woman in tremendous physical pain, living all alone. It is such a tragedy.
And what do we do with tragedy? Weep, of course. Try to avoid those mistakes. Try to not beat ourselves up for what, in retrospect, we might have done differently.
But I thought of something else today. Surely she can’t be the only old woman hearing her life tick out in moments of pain and loneliness. I can’t do anything about the past with my own Grandma, but maybe I can make things better for someone else’s Grandma. It’s worth a try.
I think maybe I’m going to go cry some more, now.
Published by angelawd on April 12th, 2008 tagged Healing
April 13th, 2008 at 3:11 am
{{A hug for you, Angela.}}
April 14th, 2008 at 12:58 am
Angela, I’m sorry. When the fog clears, I really hope you can look upon your decisions and your thoughts with less judgment. xo
April 14th, 2008 at 2:03 am
God’s blessings to you all in this challenging time. Prayers for you and your family sent along.
April 14th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
It is so hard to look back and know that you were wrong after it’s too late to make it right. But we have to look back realistically and realize that AT THAT TIME we were doing the best we could with the emotional and behavioral tools we had AT THAT TIME. We don’t expect toddlers to build mansions out of tinker toys; we can’t expect ourselves to build perfect lives out of imperfect experience. Hang onto the fact that she knows NOW that you love her, and when she reaches heaven she will understand why you once thought she didn’t.
You have learned a very valuable lesson from this - one that God needed you to learn for some reason that may not yet be clear. You are passing that lesson on to others here through your writing about it. You have passed it on to me, and I’m so grateful.
I’ve been avoiding my family because of some petty stuff that hurt my feelings deeply. However, reading your words made me realize that I need to muster the strength and courage to face it head on and deal with it before it’s too late and I’m the one regretting not have acted sooner.
Thank you. You and your family are in my prayers.
April 14th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
I’m am so blessed to have such wonderful blogging friends. Thanks, all.
April 14th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
My heart hurts for and with you.
May God come near today and be with you and your family.