What you need to know before your next family gathering
1. No matter how old you are, you’ll still be called by your childhood name. My mom, Kathleen, is 65 and they still call her Kathy. One of my second cousins has had the nickname Dolly since infancy; I don’t even know her real name.
2. Gatherings are fantastic times to air out all those old stories of goofy or destructive things you’ve done as a child, particularly when there’s new blood who haven’t heard the stories yet. On my dad’s side of the family, my Aunt Bonnie never gets tired of telling about my Uncle Mike’s wedding, where I dinged a glass so hard with my spoon that I cracked a perfect circle right through it. On my mom’s side of the family, it’s the story about how I convinced the other kids to throw my cousin Shaun down the laundry chute. After we tested it with a bunch of stuffed animals.
3. That talkative uncle has gotten more talkative over time. He has new theories. New ideas about how people should be governed. If these things don’t interest you, and you can’t break in to change the subject because he has lungs that can hold a half an hour of air between breaths, you can try telling him you have stomach flu and you think you’re going to throw up. And if you see he’s pinned someone to the wall and the person is starting to look shell-shocked, be a sport and go rescue the person. They’d do it for you.
4. Prepare your spouse, children, and any friends that are tagging along. Notify them of the hot buttons in your family and the topics that should never be brought up, for fear of a shitstorm argument or the ability of said topic to make someone weep uncontrollably. Unless, of course, the reaction is going to be extremely funny, such as bringing up the word “Cool Whip” during dessert when you know your mother holds extreme views on real whipped cream, which is what every sane, true-blue American should be eating.
5. Never, NEVER tell your crazy guy cousins that your husband calls you “smoogie”.
Published by angelawd on April 24th, 2008 tagged Just Sayin'
April 24th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
It’s interesting to read your blog about the funeral. I agree with your observations; except I think it’s more fun not to warn your spouse or kids of potential buttons to push. How fun would a funeral or wedding be if everyone was really well behaved? Not much.
As for your mom’s cousin, Dolly, her real name is Mary Eileen. Now, how the heck did we manage to get Dolly out of Mary Eileen, you ask? When she was first brought home from the hospital and introduced to her almost two-year old sister, Rosemary; the almost two-year old exclaimed, “She’s my dolly!”
It was great to see you, Joe and your daughters. Hugs and laughter to you all.
April 25th, 2008 at 3:18 am
My Mom is 70 and every once in awhile an ancient old auntie or uncle will see her at a reunion and smile and say, “Babes!”
April 25th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Hey Smoogie…
I’ve got this nephew who’s about six years younger than I am. I call him Little Joe (his uncle is John’s brother, Joe). Is this wrong? Uh oh. I’d love to hear all of the theories you now know, I could use ‘em, I know I could! xoxo
April 25th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
@Sue: it’s Mary Eileen, huh? What a cute story! I was trying to name all of you to my husband and I’m sure I missed a cousin or two…but I told him all the girls had a “Mary” in their name. Um, does that make you Mary Sue or Sue Mary?
@Pamela: Babes! I love it! Does she?
@Stacey: I dunno about little Joe. Maybe not around his friends, huh?
April 25th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
By the way, Stacey, I don’t know the theories. I wasn’t listening! Darn.
April 26th, 2008 at 5:07 am
I think to your family, you are always 15. Whoever you were then, that’s who you are. Forever. You take on the role you played in your family once upon a time.
Whenever we visit my husband’s family, he acts - not like himself. He acts more like himself at 17 and it’s very disconcerting.
April 30th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
I had such a funny comment to leave until I saw smoogie! SMOOGIE!! Ha I love it!!! I shall call you Smoogie too!
April 30th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Wait! I didn’t say I was called smoogie! You got it all wrong!
What was the funny comment? I dying to know. You can’t leave me hanging like this…