This can’t be happening.
One of Jessie’s friends is getting MARRIED. Today.
This isn’t the first one. Another guy friend got married and has a baby, and I’ve mourned several guy friends who have gone into the military (I’m just sure I’m going to see them on some pathetic TV show about the war in Iraq and they’re hopping along on stubs of legs, or blown apart by a terrorist bomb, which is completely possible in my imagination where everything ends in DEATH) but I’m taking this one hard, since it’s one of the guys I’ve known the longest. So is Jessie, who doesn’t know the girl her friend is marrying, but does know for sure that her friendship with this guy is bound to change now that he’s married.
Speaking as one who got married (the first time) at age nineteen, I feel perfectly qualified to crash the wedding and run up the aisle screaming STOP! DON’T DO IT! And rip up their marriage license. Then I’d spend a couple hours counseling them about how there’s plenty of time and 21 is too early, but hey, they can still have the reception party and keep all the presents.
I wish people had said that to me when I was nineteen. Instead, I heard about how I was living in sin and that I needed to make a public commitment (preferably in a Catholic church) to the man I was living in sin with. And then I woke up the first day of my honeymoon, looked at the guy next to me in bed, and realized I’d made a horrible mistake and ruined my entire life.
Okay, Chris and his fiancee are not likely to listen to me no matter how badly I disturb their wedding. But honestly, kids, what’s the rush?
Published by angelawd on May 16th, 2008 tagged Abnormal Motherhood
May 16th, 2008 at 8:57 pm
[…] http://darwiniana.com wrote an interesting post today on This canâ??t be happening.Here’s a quick excerpt…into the military (I’m just sure I’m going to see them on some pathetic TV show about the war in Iraq and they’re hopping along on stubs… […]
May 16th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
What’s the rush, indeed. I didn’t get married until I was 33 (my spouse, 39) but I thought I was going to marry every boyfriend I had in my teens. So glad that never worked out.
Do you think it’s just romantic naivety? I think our culture idealizes marriage — all the stories that end happily after and never show you the hard parts. Plus when you’re 19 you can’t imagine how long “for the rest of your life” really is.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
This is such an interesting topic. Try looking at it from the other side: telling kids to wait until their late twenties almost guarantees that they will spend a few years sleeping around with different boyfriends. Contrary to popular opinion, this does not make for a healthier sexual relationship once you are married! (Physical diseases aside, which is a whole other topic)
Also, I am rather jealous of my friends who married younger, started having babies younger, etc. They and their spouses have shared their youth together, whereas I feel as an entire part of my life (along with the people who knew me when I was young) had to be left behind when I married someone I met at age 27. And I do wish I could have started having babies earlier, when we have the energy to raise them and endure sleepless nights, etc. The commitment of marriage and children are what make young adults grow up, not the lifestyle lived by the characters on Friends or Seinfeld.
I see so many people in their 20’s who, even though gainfully employed, still just seem to be marking time and amusing themselves waiting for real life to start. I’d rather be married then, raise my kids, and enjoy myself in my 50’s, when I’m more mature and can appreciate the good things in life more.
May 16th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
I don’t mean to be denying your experience, by the way. Sometimes early marriages do go wrong. But do they go wrong more often than later marriages, or just for different reasons?
Like I said, this topic fascinates me.
May 17th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
Wow, your kid’s friends are getting married. I just saw my not-so-distant future flash before my eyes
You made me think about getting married younger versus older. I was way too young the first time I got married (21), and that marriage was a disaster. The second marriage was at age 33 and is wonderful. But I think I learned something from the first one. I always question whether the second wonderful marriage benefits from the first bad one. In other words, if I could really take back the first marriage, I’m not sure whether I would or not, because I think my happiness today and evolution as a person has benefitted from that ‘mistake.’ Does that make sense?
May 19th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Each phase of our lives serves a pupose.
ALL things work together for the good…
I had a long term relationship in my 20’s that I PRAYED would be marriage bound. Now I am so thankful that God said NO to those prayers. That said, I wouldn’t be the woman I am now without those years, the challenges, the ups & downs. I became a woman that allowed herself to be treated well through that time, and my family is benefitting from my growth through those years.
If WE are in the right place emotionally and mentally, an early marriage is great. If we are not, ANY marriage will be in trouble.
Pax Christi, EJT
May 20th, 2008 at 2:20 am
This is my first time reading your blog-and I absolutely loved this.
Maybe I’m speaking out of turn, but I too see the positives and negatives of their early marriage. Like so many milestones the weight of doing it ‘right’ can turn an innocent experience into a stressful one.
Marriage is (or, rather, can be) a tremendously deep and loving path. But, what if it isn’t? I don’t see why it can’t change us for the better, while we laugh and move on-hopefully wiser people.
May 20th, 2008 at 5:30 am
A lot of my friends got married young, and ohhhh, I could never do it. I just think it is a bad idea (in general) … my two cents!
May 20th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
It’s so interesting how many perspectives there are about this issue. I think our society does glamorize marriage and lots of people are in a hurry to get married. The reverse state is not always better, I agree, but I think we discover more about who we are in our 20s, and we can very easily grow in different directions from our partners - maybe more easily than later in life.
I would definitely say that my first marriage made me a better person - I had to grow up because SOMEONE needed to be the adult. So, I’m thankful for that. On the other hand, I brought children into the world who have suffered because of our bad choices. I’d definitely counsel people who marry young to give the marriage some time before having children. Not that they would listen, anyway!!
May 20th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
I had a very bad first marriage and too was married young. I was 21 and she was 19. We didn’t have children so that hasn’t been an issue, but it sure was hard on my mental state. I am know VERY happily married! I know for certain that it was the hard work and preparation that we did prior to getting married that made the difference. We went to a Christian counselor for pre-marriage counseling and studied what it means to have a ‘holy’ marriage that honors God. I suppose young people could do that as well, but I don’t think I would have had the maturity at 21 that I did later in life. My only regret is not having children. I do, however, have two AMAZING step-daughters that I love.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
@Josie, you’re right, maturity and preparation are keys to a good marriage. I once heard that most couples spend much more time planning for their wedding than they do for their marriage. That’s the sad part.