They don’t teach this in parenting class.
Any mom of a teenager will have to admit that teens sometimes get into trouble. Big trouble. Remember the stuff you did as a teenager? It’s likely that biology wins big by giving you a chance to suffer the way your parents did. In fact, my conversations with my own mom have started with, “Mom, I’m so sorry for what I put you through,” more often now than at any other period in my parenting career.
After parenting two teens, nurturing dozens of other teens in junior high and high school church groups, and talking to moms of teens and other professionals, I truly believe that parents of teens need mentors. I don’t even think moms of teens realize what’s ahead. I was recently talking to two parents of 13 year olds, and I mentioned to them that a friend who is a substance abuse counselor told me that the AVERAGE AGE for teens to start drinking is 13. They chuckled indulgently and sneered, silly lady, we have nothing to fear; we know our own children! Um…maybe, maybe not.
There are tons of sites that will offer you information on how to talk so your kids will listen, how to prepare for college, how to help your teen get that first job, etc., etc. I haven’t seen many sites that say: LITTLE ROSEUD JUST GOT INTO TROUBLE: Here’s how to stay one step ahead. I want to help other parents this way, based on whatever wisdom I’ve accumulated from exposure to teens over the years. Because, let’s face it - our teens are going to get into some kind of trouble, and we’ll need our wits about us to effectively parent them through it.
If some of these ideas seem a little extreme, remember what’s at stake: the life, health, future, and reputation of our children. Of course, always consider whether it will work in your family culture before trying these suggestions!
Topic 1: Substance abuse
We’ve all heard about how to see the signs of substance abuse: loss of interest in usual activities, decline in grades, depression, changes in friends, frequent illnesses, red eyes, uncoordination, isolation, etc. Unfortunately, these are also the sign of other teen problems and at times are normal teen behavior: most teens withdraw from their families as they get older, and bad grades could have a number of causes. Here are some ways to combat suspected or confirmed substance abuse:
1. If you keep liquor in the house, mark your bottles with an obvious “fill line”. This is not a deterrent, but a warning that you are keeping your eye on the liquor level. Always count your bottles and cans.
2. If you suspect that the teen is ignoring the “fill line”, taking some of the drink, and replacing it with water, put the bottle in the freezer. Alcohol will not freeze, but any amount of water will.
3. Lock up your alcoholic beverages or remove them from the house if your teen is taking it.
4. Also consider locking up prescription and over-the-counter medicines such as cough syrups, pain relievers like oxycodone or Tylenol with codeine, mouthwashes containing alcohol, and antidepressants, antianxiety meds, and muscle relaxants. A locking money box or small safe will work well - but remember to hide the key and rotate the location of the hidden key and safe.
5. If you suspect substance abuse, do your best to always be home and awake when your teen comes home. A greeting hug or kiss can help you detect the smell of substances (though it might not always be apparent). Note that if your teen is around smokers (of anything), his hair and clothes will smell of smoke, but not his breath. If his breath smells horribly of smoke, he’s been smoking, not merely hanging around a friend who smokes.
When you greet the child, watch for signs of slurred speech, uncoordinated movements, jumpiness, paranoia, and confusion. Also look for other tell-tale signs, such as pinhole burns on their clothes, brown stains on their fingernails or teeth, and glazed, red, or unfocused eyes. Teens who are using tend to avoid looking parents in the eyes and will try to avoid spending time with you while under the influence.
6. A simple urine drug test kit can be purchased at many drug stores for $15-$30; a more comprehensive blood, urine, or hair test can be performed at many hospitals. Traces of most substances will remain in the body for several days to two weeks (even longer in the hair), but traces of alcohol will completely disappear in 8 to 24 hours. You can also order comprehensive drug testing kits on the Internet, and some brands will accurately test up to 30 substances. These kits are often cheaper than ones you find in drug stores.
A home breathalizer unit can be ordered over the Internet for about $100 and will last for years. A breathalizer can be helpful because sometimes it can be difficult to smell alcohol on the child. The results of a breathalizer or drug test removes all points of argument, because it is possible but VERY UNLIKELY the test will give a false reading.
7. If your teen has broken trust with you by using illegal substances, consider requiring him/her to take a drug or breathalizer test each time she plans to drive or leave the house. This is a way that she can earn back your trust by proving she is no longer using.
8. If you suspect abuse, check the teen’s room, backpack, jackets, and clothes. Most drugs can be hidden in small places. An easy way for a teen to sneak alcohol in or out of the house is to put it in another container, so check the contents of a bottle of pop or juice they’re carrying. You can even casually take a sip of his drinks, even at times that you would never suspect alcohol in the beverage; this shows the teen that at any time you might take a drink of his pop, so it would be foolish for him to risk adding alcohol to the bottle.
Hope this helps you all without making you too frightened. Please chime in with any tips or suggestions of your own. Next time: OPP (Other People’s Places). Forge on, moms of teens!
Published by angelawd on May 20th, 2008 tagged Mom of Teens, Teen Taming
May 20th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
[...] BreakingNews.ie / TCM wrote an interesting post today onHere’s a quick excerptI was recently talking to two parents of 13 year olds, and I mentioned to them that a friend who is a substance abuse counselor told me that the AVERAGE AGE for teens to start drinking is 13. They chuckled indulgently and sneered, … [...]
May 20th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
This is really good advice. Thank you for sharing this with us all.
May 20th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
@Josie, thanks! Let’s hope no one has to use this info.
May 21st, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Thank you Angela! Your thought about mentoring parents of teens is a great one. After hearing you say this and looking at the blogs I search for, I concluded that I’m probably seeking for this in a cyber-mentoring sort of way! The question I asked myself the last couple years and lately is, what is the best thing you can do to prevent the substance abuse in the first place? I don’t fool myself, I KNOW my daughter will find herself with friends she knows and trusts and they will be using alcohol or drugs or tobacco. Among my daughter’s friends, I am the strict parent. I am the one who holds the reins tight. But we all know from going through adolescence that this won’t prevent teens from trying things anyway. I think if I could answer this question definitively I’d be a rich woman.
May 21st, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Thanks Angela. I work at the Partnership for a Drug-Free America and would like to share our new website with your readers — http://www.timetotalk.org. It’s a great resource for tools and tips to help parents and caregivers talk to their kids about the risks of drugs. Our research shows that kids who consistently learn a lot about the risks of drugs from their paretns are up to 50% less likely to use than those who do not. You are the most important person in your child’s life and can make a profound impact on their health decisions. Sign up for our free updates and alerts at timetotalk.org.
May 22nd, 2008 at 1:57 pm
@Heather, I commend you for being the strict parent. I think it’s harder for kids to get into trouble if they know their parents are keeping a close eye on them.
@Debbie, thanks so much for offering this resource. I’ve been involved with that program in the past and I think it is extremely helpful.
May 24th, 2008 at 6:12 am
I’d like to add that if you are going to do a urine test, WATCH HIM/HER GIVE THE SPECIMINE. They become very adept at messing them up. Twig would use an old syringe with bleach in it. He’d hide it in his wasteband and then only a drop or two will mess up the results.
May 29th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Oh, Damama, I totally forgot to mention that one. Thanks for adding it!
May 30th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Hi Everyone. I loved the advice in here–good practical tips for parents of teens. I wanted to tell you about Empowering Parents, an online magazine I edit for parents of teens and pre-teens going through some of the more challenging aspects of parenting. It includes free articles on substance abuse, kids acting out, how to give consequences, you name it. It’s a great, free magazine (with newsletters) and the website is http://www.empoweringparents.com. Please check it out if you have a chance. We recently had an article on Marijuana that resonated with a lot of parents–more helpful advice from Katherine Ketcham, the author of “Teens Under the Influence”. Hope it’s OK to post this info here!