Mom Blindness
Since my First Born has moved out on her own, I’ve had to adopt a certain amount of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” attitude in our relationship. Sometimes she’s very lovingly said she loves how she can tell me everything, and I’m thinking, yeah, but don’t think you HAVE to.
So yesterday when I went over to her apartment to help her pack for her new place, I once again did not mention the decorative bottles of Hypnotique and Cuervo on her counter. Thankfully, she later mentioned that they belonged to her roommate Kim who thought they were lovely decorative objects, and Kim was welcome to take them with her.
I proceeded to NOT comment when she asked me to pack 2 of the four champagne glasses they’d bought together. I bit my tongue right until she said, “My friends bought me champagne for my last birthday.” Then I could no longer restrain myself and had to say, “The birthday where you turned twenty and were still too young to legally drink?”
Friends, I’m not stupid. I believe it is highly unlikely that my twenty-year-old daughter NEVER had a drink with her over-21 friends. She knows I don’t approve of drinking illegally, and she also knows that her father struggled with alcoholism for years. It’s just that when your kid moves out, you have to practice a certain amount of discretion - a touch of mom blindness. Unless you never want to be invited to his or her home again.
Unfortunately, I backed into the last comment in a perfectly innocent way. While packing up her cupboards, I asked, “Why do you have a bottle of green food coloring?”
She blushed. “I don’t want to tell you.”
Then it dawned on me. Darn. “Green beer for St. Patrick’s Day?”
“Yeah.”
I threw it away when she wasn’t looking.
Published by angelawd on May 30th, 2008 tagged Joyful living, Mom of Teens
May 30th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
My little sister just turned twenty-one, but has been out on her own since she was 17. She’s a lot wilder than I ever dreamed of being and I’ve had to practice a lot of tongue biting in order to preserve the relationship. Sometimes it’s hard. I see her doing so many things that I worry are going to make her so unhappy in the long run, but telling her what I think about it will do no good at all.
I hate that we all have to make our own mistakes. I think I’m going to have such a hard time with this when my kids are older.
June 1st, 2008 at 1:13 pm
I don’t know - I think I may feel relieved when it is no longer any of my business…
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:34 pm
It’s so hard to look the other way. I want to just scream WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!? Then I just bite my tongue. Ugh…what to do. Every so often I think back to what I did when I was 20. Oh how my mother must have turned a blind eye!
June 2nd, 2008 at 6:07 pm
It’s a tough call, you guys. Do we turn a blind eye? Or at least say SOMETHING? I have difficulty keeping my mouth shut.
June 2nd, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Although you may have trouble not speaking up now I do recommend that you begin to practice it immediately. Young people of the age of 20 and 21 have learned all they are going to learn from you. The time has now come for you to accept them as adults, who are equal to yourself and, who have the right to exercise their free will as they so choose. If you keep up acting like they are little children the consequences can be really awful.
When at age 21 my mother would not quit trying to control me and manage my life, when she would not quit violating my privacy in my own home, when she would not quit examining my personal possessions without an invitation to do so, when she would not quit tossing things out she didn’t approve of, and criticizing my choices of friends and activities, I warned her 3 times then I severed all communication with her for 3 years. Although I did resume my relationship with her I never let her get close to my heart again.
Worse still is that she was a slow learner, who kept bible pounding and attempting to control and manage the lives of her other children as well. She lost the affection of each and every one of us and has been given only fleeting access to her grandchildren lest she start up with them too.
It’s important to recognize when to step back and let go. IMO based on what I have read in your blog that time is now.
Although my comment may sound harsh it is the best advice I can give you so please take it under consideration. I send you best wishes for developing a happy lifelong relationship with your kids that is based on recognizing them as your equals.
June 2nd, 2008 at 9:42 pm
Timethief, you are so right. That’s the “Mom Blindness” I was referring to. I don’t want to be a nag or a busybody in my daughter’s life, and I do want to establish an adult relationship with her. On the other hand, I don’t want to do anything that would make her think I approve of anything illegal. So thanks for your advice. It’s a good reminder to err on the side of acceptance.
I guess I shouldn’t have tossed out that green food dye.
June 2nd, 2008 at 9:43 pm
P.S. I’m so sorry you’ve had such a difficult relationship with your mom. It sounds like you’ve been able to establish healthy boundaries, but believe me, I know how it hurts to not have the parents you SHOULD have.